It occurred to me that last week's column on really stupid things the government did with your money could have been so much more than just a recitation from Maclean's magazine with comments fore and aft; that I could have expounded or expanded a little on each of the items, that I was, in fact, being a little lazy, (probably the effects of SAD from all this crappy winter weather that we have been receiving), that you dear reader deserve more.

Ergo:

1. The $36 million we donated to China was, according to my sources in the office of the finance minister, payment for Chinese food for the annual Conservative convention from now until the year 2030, which is how long the Cons figure to be in office.

2. The ice shacks constructed on the Rideau Canal for skaters at a cost of $750,000 each will eventually be used to house the homeless.

3. The $350,000 for yurts and teepees for a Quebec campground: housing for all those unlikely NDP winners in La Belle Province.

4. The $133,000 to create a job for a defeated Tory candidate in the last election is considerably less than it would cost to train and pay him as a letter carrier until the next election.

5. The study to determine the value of a polar bear ($400,000) will be paid back by sales of the iconic bruins to countries whose climates preclude the existence of polar bears, but who have promised to provide the animals with an air-conditioned habitat and three square seals a day.

6. The $350,000 to mail out blank report cards during teachers' job action intended to provide parents an opportunity to offer opinions and letter grades on the job action: D for delinquent.

7. The $2 million for the Canucks' cup run and riot will go toward compensation for store owners and a new book of cliches for Luongo et al. to help explain their implosion.

8. One million dollars for weather radios for girl guides: they also function as alarm clocks to awaken them during camping trips and keep them up-to-date on the latest developments in the Bieber revolution.

9. The $180,000 to bring Snoop Dogg to Nova Scotia: part of our continuing commitment to multiculturalism and the hope that Snoop can join our four-by-100 relay team in time for the Olympics.

10. The $6.6 million to celebrate the 75th anniversary of the CBC: that's how much Peter Mansbridge wanted to show up and blow out the candles on the cake.

11. Then 400 million new pennies at a cost of $7 million dollars: we'd hate to remove such phrases as "a penny saved is a penny earned" or "a penny for your thoughts" from the lexicon.

12. Peter MacKay's travel budget: what do you expect the foreign minister to do, travel economy class when all those helicopters are just sitting idle at military airbases? Or to meet foreign dignitaries at a Tim Hortons?

13. Half a million to gauge the importance of nature to Canadians, the fifth in a series: we know it's there and we want to know how important it is, otherwise we will replace it with shopping malls, subdivisions, and highways.

14. Study on how to use a bike lane: first you will need a bicycle and preferably a helmet because the cars don't take kindly to sharing the road with bicycles; nor do the retailers whose parking spots you have removed for the bike lanes.

15. Train whistle cessation study: this sound that is associated with the growth of this country, the movement of goods, and the prevention of a nasty collision with several tons of steel, ruins my afternoon nap.

16. The $2 million for snowmobile clubs in Ontario and Quebec intended as an exercise in bonding (bribing?) among male voters in the country's two most populous provinces.

There, I feel better.

t3atyler@shaw.ca