My sources - and don't for a minute think that I don't have sources; I don't just make this stuff up, you know - have told me what several prominent people locally, and some big shots in Victoria and Ottawa found under their trees on Christmas:
1) Ernie Daykin: our affable mayor, who is always going on Y about his wife Judy's baking, received a mince pie the size of a hot tub which he will have transported to the Memorial Peace Park to share with the citizens of Maple Ridge. Bring your own fork. No seconds.
2) Gordy Robson, who recently reappeared in town after a lengthy absence during which it was rumoured that he was living in his car following some unfortunate financial setbacks, is now a columnist with this paper and championing the plight of the homeless, among other causes.
Fitting then that he found under his tree half a dozen indigent persons asleep among the gifts, their shopping carts full of empty pop cans and bottles which El Gordo will redeem for a turkey dinner.
3) Randy Kamp: our Conservative MP, who annually spends a lot of money sending out flyers detailing the accomplishments of the Harper government, received the "Harper Doll," a custom-made, three-foot-tall toy with a string in the back that, when pulled, says, "Kiss my backside, and I'll put you in cabinet." Pucker up, Randall.
4) Marc Dalton, our Liberal guy in Victoria is surprised to find, sous spruce, a plaster cast likeness of Christy Clark's cleavage. Earlier this year, Clark was chastised for wearing a cleavage-revealing top in the House, to which she replied, "If you've got it, flaunt it." Apparently she wants all her MLAs to flaunt it, if not literally, then at least figuratively. Time to show us what you've got, Marc.
5) Christy Clark: our darling and dimpled Preem got a large, framed photo of 30 employees of Ridge Meadows Recycling as a "thank you" for saving their jobs by reversing a previous decision to send them packing, one of the dumbest political moves of the year. Just to show that there was no hard feelings, the employees all posed showing Christy their posterior cleavage: 30 moons over Maple Ridge.
6) Elizabeth Rosenau, pharmacist and wannabe-political neophyte, woke up to Kissing Babies and Other Disgusting Stuff, a political primer for first-time candidates, telling them - among other things - how to dress and how to choreograph campaign photos.
Rosenau has one showing her walking through a pasture with mountains in the background, which I like to call The Hills are Alive with the Sound of Socialism. The book also contains concession speeches for all occasions. Bon chance, Betty.
7) Adrian Dix, the smooth-talking leader of the NDP, and, if the polls are correct the next premier, also got a book, entitled, It's Never Too Late to Change Your Name. Some of Dix's aides think that his name doesn't resonate with a large chunk of the working-class electorate, because it sounds too much like the name of a Roman dictator ("Dix" meant "to lead" in ancient Rome), or like the name of a porn star.
8) Stephen Harper: the "Big Stiff" found his gift outside on Christmas morning, under a large tree that stands in front of the prime minister's residence: a crew of foreign workers from China are laying a pipeline through Harper's front yard. The job was commissioned to send maple syrup to the western provinces in an effort to counteract "Western Alienation." Apparently, there were no Canadians to do the work.
9) Vancouver Canucks: the toothless, jobless pro-hockey players received copies of old school report cards and evaluations from guidance counsellors detailing vocational options available to them after they leave school. It's a Wonderful Life, making millions for playing shinny. Get back to it.
10) Yours Truly: a 20-year-old Swedish masseuse? In my Christmas dreams.
@ Copyright 2013