We're 10 days into 2013.
Have you broken any resolutions yet?
Or, have you even started to fulfill these lofty goals?
You know, the big ones: lose weight, get in shape, stop smoking - which are probably the top three.
The first two are mutually inclusive, although they needn't be: you can lose weight without getting into shape, which is to say without exercise. You just cut
back on the calories, the sugar, the junk food, the deep-fried peanut butter and jam sandwiches. You ingest the green coffee beans, the latest weight-reduction solution, or sign up for Herbal Magic or Slim Band or any of the myriad magic fixes being offered following the orgy of eating and drinking that took place over the holidays.
You may want to eat and throw up or start smoking, which tends to satisfy your oral desires and inhibit your appetite. You'll eventually look thinner but not necessarily healthier.
You can augment your weight loss regimen by going to a gym and burning off calories, maybe lift a few weights to give your bod' some tone.
This is the getting-in-shape portion of your promises.
I see them at the gym: the fitness neophytes with their new togs venturing forth into the land of elliptical trainers and StairMasters, strangers in a strange land.
They're generally gone by Valentine's Days, content to say, "Well I gave it a try, it didn't work and it's back to whole grain bread and sprouts and light beer and eventually to hell with it, who am I trying to impress? Bring on the burgers."
I'll just keep my clothes on and when I have to disrobe do it in the dark; it's the inner you that the opposite sex wants, not the 40-inch waste and the droopy boobs and the multiple chins.
And as far as lifespan goes, that's just a crapshoot, a genetic roulette wheel, right? Extending your life through fitness so that you can get a discount at the hairdresser and become a burden to your children: is it worth it?
I'm leaning a little to the cynical side of things here, because I have spent a very sedentary six weeks in bed, watching TV, reading, and popping Tylenol because my back has left for an extended trip to Sciaticaville with stops at Osteoarthritis and Bum Knee.
I haven't been this long without a trip to the gym in maybe 20 years, the last time my back took a serious hike to Slipped Disc.
It's not just the physical needs that aren't being fulfilled, it's that therapeutic side effect that I'm missing, that good feeling you get from the endorphins and the hot tub and the company of other fitness-minded folks, especially those from the female side. So I'm one miserable son of a bitch when I'm not so depressed that my daughter is removing sharp objects from my bedside and hiding the painkillers.
They have been good, my family, catering to my every need, in an effort to stop Mount St.
Timothy from erupting and covering everything with bitterness and bile.
I should really resolve to be nicer to them. When it comes to resolutions, I don't believe that changes in attitude and behaviour have to be made with a specific date in mind, such as Jan.
1, or Groundhog Day, or Yom Kippur, or your birthday. You want to quit or alter? Why wait for spring, do it now. Surround yourself with supportive friends, people you can phone when your hand starts to reach for a chocolate eclair or that cigarette butt on the sidewalk or when the guys want to go for a beer after the workout.
It's difficult, especially when there's a social element involved in these rituals, something you may have to give up for a while - or forever - in the name of a better you.
You could get lonely. Good luck with that. And Happy New Year.